I've always found the Mount & Blade series pretty intimidating, so it's only recently that I finally gave Mount & Blade 2 a proper shot. And now, about 300 hours deep, I must admit I feel like a right dingus for not diving in earlier.

So if you're in the same boat, or if you have no idea what the hell Mount & Blade 2 is even supposed to be, let me show you what exactly makes it so special, why it'll get you addicted to axes, and whether it's the kind of game you'd actually enjoy.

Video version of this retrospective (~15 minutes)

It's Like Spore

The funniest thing about Mount & Blade 2 is that it's actually quite similar to Spore. Yes, that Spore - the Maxis developed god game. Now before you conclude I'm pants on head insane and click off, let me explain.

In Spore you start off as primordial ooze, and then you follow your little gremlins as they develop through the ages, eventually becoming a world-shattering civilization.

And that's basically how Mount & Blade 2 works. You start off as a random dirt-farmer in the ass-end of nowhere. You have no money, you have no land, nobody likes you, and your life expectancy is measured in hours. So what do you do when you're at rock bottom?

Well, much like real life, you try to find a job. Literally any job. A local gang needs someone to smuggle in weapons? You betcha. Someone needs a herd of sheep escorted halfway across the galaxy? You're their man. Does any of this pay particularly well? Not at all, but that's what you have to do to survive.

Making terrible spears doesn't pay well, but at least it's honest work

The Bandit Era

But once you get a bit of money and experience under your belt, you can finally evolve some fangs and start biting back. Because as you'll quickly learn, the continent of Calradia is a bit of a shithole with more bandits per square meter than blades of grass. So at this point you'll want to hire a couple of sturdy lads and start a... weedwhacking business.

Because as it turns out, bandits are a great source of capital. Not only are they carrying around riches they've stolen from other people, but you can also sell their weapons and clothes. And if there's any left standing after a battle, you can either recruit them or sell even them to the local lord. Now that is using every part of the bandit!

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. While a bunch of dudes wearing pajamas for armor aren't much of a fighting force, during those first few hours you aren't going to be much better. Is this because the combat is super complicated? No, no, no. The opposite - because the combat is actually super simple, yet surprisingly tricky to master.

The basic idea is that you can swing in four directions - up, down, left and right - to try to catch your opponent off guard, all the while blocking the same way to make sure your own teeth remain firmly attached. There's a few other fancy things you can do, but that's pretty much it.

You just kinda wiggle your mouse around... and yet, the first time you sit on a horse and try to deal any damage - like not even kill someone, just deal a bit of damage - you'll find yourself so embarrassed you'll want to quit the game in shame.

But as humiliating as it is to charge through twenty archers and hit literally zero of them, this is also what makes the combat so satisfying. Because once it clicks, once you chain your hits just right and whirlwind your axe through the enemy lines like you're a Khorne berserker, it's the best feeling in the world.

There's just nothing quite like starting off as some random peasant desperately trying not to dislocate their arms while fighting a stationary target, and then slowly turning yourself into someone they'll write horror stories about. It's the kind of high I chase every single time I start a new campaign.

Getting good at Mount & Blade 2 makes you feel like a demigod

Mercenary Days

And after you earn yourself a bit of notoriety by blending bandits, Mount & Blade 2 gets a little bit... weird. To keep with the Spore analogy going, this is the messy creature stage where you just kinda run around confused and scream at people. I say this because this is where Mount & Blade 2 starts to open up, and you truly realize just how much there is to do.

You can join a faction as a mercenary, amp up your bandit-bashing business by raiding hideouts, become a sneaky-stabby ninja, dabble in smiting, do a little bit of market manipulation as a treat, or just wander around looking for trouble. And speaking of wandering, this is also where you'll discover just how massive Calradia really is. Because when someone tells you there's a tournament in a nearby city, you might not be prepared for a journey that takes multiple days!

And while that sounds like a pain in the booty cheeks, I actually love it because the sheer size of the world prevents a lot of cheesy strategies. You can't just rush down your enemies and take them before they even know what hit them. They'll know you're coming, and they'll be prepared. And believe me when I say, that's a very good thing because getting caught up in one of those gigantic battles where thousands of soldiers are beating the absolute crap out of each other is one of coolest things in the game.

For example, I always knew that cavalry was important all throughout history. But it wasn't until the first time I slammed into an enemy formation alongside a hundred other knights that I finally understood why. It doesn't matter if you're ready for them or not, nobody is going to have a good day when half a ton of horse slams into them while some bearded lunatic wildly swings their axe around.

And that's one of those things that really made me fall in love with Mount & Blade 2. Not the bearded lunatics, though that's certainly a positive, but just the feeling that you're a simple cog in an absolutely enormous war machine. There's something genuinely breathtaking about charging into battles alongside hundreds of other soldiers, especially if you somehow manage to retain all of your limbs by the end of it.

Every random screenshot of a siege is just the coolest thing ever

Welcome to the Real Game

But that's only a tiny taste of what Mount & Blade 2 has to offer, because once you make a name for yourself and get involved with one of the major kingdoms, that's when the game really opens up and you can do basically anything.

You're no longer some random nobody hanging onto the coattails of whoever will tolerate your body odor. You're an actual lord with your own squad of groupies willing to do your every bidding, and you can go from simply following orders to leading thousands of soldiers into glorious conquests of cities and castles.

And much like the cavalry thing before, it's during one of these sieges that Mount & Blade 2 really hammers home just how horrifying medieval warfare truly is. On the surface, it's everything my inner 10-year-old could possibly want. You're firing off potshots at the defenders while your troops storm the fortifications with siege towers and battering rams. It looks great. It's awesome. And it's exactly the kind of epic nonsense we all came here to see.

It's just that what happens next is... well, hell. So you've broken through the first gate. Congrats! Now there's another giant door you have to hack through because the ram has a strict 'one door' policy. And while you're doing that, the defenders are raining arrows down on you, throwing giant rocks directly onto your head, and generally doing everything they can to make you reconsider your life choices

But even if you survive that, your problems have only started. As soon as you break through the doors you'll be greeted by a wall of spears and the most enthusiastic psychopaths the defenders could muster. Meanwhile the hundreds of soldiers behind you are constantly pushing you forward, so there's nowhere to run and barely any room to swing your weapon. At that point you're not even fighting a battle anymore. You're just a piece of meat slowly being pushed into a blender.

It's genuinely horrifying... but it's also fucking awesome!

Because this is a video game, so who cares if you get some 'perlmanent brain blamage' - it'll buffer out by the time the next battle comes around. So what you're left with is these gigantic, glorious and gloriously bloody battles where hundreds of soldiers are fighting and dying all around you. There's really nothing quite like it.

And then if you're lucky, or if you've schmoozed the faction leader - you might even get a little prize at the end: your own fief. This might be a city, which is basically a medieval money printer, or a castle that somehow manages to materialize heavily armored knights out of the aether.

And for me this is where the game is at its best. You're caught in this constant push-and-pull with your enemies, desperately clawing for any advantage you can get while trying to make sure someone doesn't burn down everything you've spent months building. Every victory is meaningful. Every defeat is a tragedy. And you're constantly thrown into battles with insane numbers of soldiers on both sides.

It's basically the ultimate medieval power fantasy... even if the game does like to kick you while you're down. But honestly, that just adds to the charm.

Not even close!

Rule the World

But regardless of how rich and powerful you might become, you're still ultimately subservient to your faction leader. And when they make brilliant strategic decisions like declaring war on four empires at the same time, you might start thinking about a change of scenery.

After all, why should you listen to idiots? Me excluded, obviously. So when you feel the time is right, wear down your enemies, fortify your cities, and break free. Declare yourself king of all you survey... and then sit back, relax, and enjoy the good life. Right?

Well... no. As it turns out, your former ruler isn't going to be the biggest fan of you suddenly disappearing with half the kingdom. And your neighbors? They're all sharks, and you just dumped a bucket of blood into the water.

So instead of being a relaxing retirement, setting up a brand new kingdom is like trying to put out a forest fire with the aforementioned bucket. It's gonna be messy, it's gonna be exhausting, and you're probably gonna lose a few trees along the way.

But once you finally get everything under control, there's an incredible sense of accomplishment to be had from looking at the map and knowing that all of this is yours. You started with literally nothing, and after a whole bunch of adventures here you are - at the very top of the world. It's beyond addictive, and it's the main reason I keep coming back, over and over again.

Beardonia is a paradise... once you get past all the broken-down siege machines

Shattered Sails

Which is also why the following is going to be so very frustrating for me to talk about - my only major problem with Mount & Blade 2 is its War Sails expansion. Now you might think this is because the DLC is overpriced, too short, or just kinda terrible - you know, the usual reasons - but no. It's actually awesome... it's just that you never get to see it.

War Sails adds naval combat to a game where almost every faction shares enormous land borders. Which means that unless you actively go looking for fights at sea, it's entirely possible to conquer half of Calradia without ever getting your feet wet.

And that's a real shame, because sailing through a rough sea during a storm - at night - with a bunch of vikings is one of the coolest things I've ever done. There's also lots of different faction ships, upgrades, and just really fun fighting to be had... but much like a waterpark in the middle of the Sahara - it just doesn't fit. And that honestly makes me sad.

But to be fair, the developers have been working on solving this problem with the last few updates, so hopefully this whole rant will become less and less relevant as time goes on. I certainly hope so anyway, because the content itself is absolutely worth playing... if you can find a way to actually do it.

This is so darn cool and I want more of it!

Is Mount & Blade 2 Worth Playing?

But for right now, it's time for the big question - who would I recommend Mount & Blade 2 to?

Well, if you're looking for a game with a tightly scripted story and carefully designed missions... this is not the place to go. There's technically a campaign, but it's the kind of madness you'd find at the bottom of a bargain bin back in 2005.

But if you like the idea of starting as a random nobody and slowly transforming yourself into an unstoppable juggernaut, there is really nothing quite like it. You can be a smith, a ninja, a mercenary, a merchant, a king... or maybe even all of it at the same time.

But whatever path you take, Mount & Blade 2 never hands you success on a silver platter. And that's why it reminds me so much of Spore. You have to build your own power fantasy, one gigantic, super risky battle at a time, and it's exactly that which keeps me coming back.

So even though I've already sunk 300 hours, I still feel like I've barely scratched the surface of what the game has to offer... and that's without even mentioning the insane number of mods.

And if that sounds like your kind of game, then yeah... Mount & Blade 2 is absolutely worth playing, even years after release. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to get attacked by the entire world at the same time.

[Note]: I've also made a Beginner's Guide going over everything I wish I knew before I first started Mount & Blade 2. So if you want to give yourself a leg up, I welcome you to check it out. Thanks!